Estoy en la niebla. Estoy confundida.

I am having a hard tie explaining this haze that I am in. (Sorry for the preposition ending sentence.) I have no doubts that I made the right decision to leave the Peace Corps, as hard as it was to make. But I keep thinking I am going to wake up from a dream. That is the best way I know how to describe it. I wish that I knew how to explain what I am thinking/feeling. But, alas, I cannot. The best I can do, now, is pick up the pieces and reassemble the puzzle. I had worked so hard to get together the pieces I knew. There was a section I thought I understood. I saw what I wanted to see. So I barrowed pieces from another's puzzle and used them for mine. Now that I have removed the wrong pieces I need to find the correct ones and fix the damage done by forcing together the pieces that did not fit.
I could not, cannot see what the picture is turning out to be. Perhaps that is part of the reason I used the wrong pieces to fill in what I wanted to see. Now I remained curious as to how my mistake has effected those whom I love and who love me. Where do I fit in your puzzle?

I think that part of my haze is that I have a special "gift" to take on the problems of the world as my own personal problem. I can be easily guilted into giving away all my resources to make someone's life better without regard to my personal safety and security. I do not say this to boastful in anyway. I just have a skewed sense of what it is to be selfish/selfless.

The most prevelent problem I am facing is that I try (" . . .to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble. . ." Sorry, I randomly burst out into song.) to do this on my own. If there is one thing I learned in my time in Guatemala, it is that doing it would other people makes it easier. Basically, we are created for community. Community with people. Community with God.

I wish that I could stop feeling this way, this haze. But I cannot. It is the same part of me that make me good at what I am meant to do. Sometimes our strengths can be weaknesses.

Just one day for me . . .

Today I saw the reimence of nature's fury in my spanish teacher's home. The orange sherbet walls now reflect the color of earth from the tile floor to 6 inches shy of the ceiling. As we shoveled hundreds of pounds of "lodo", the sweet sound of laughter filled the room between the sighs and "Que Lastima"s. Antes de Tropical Storm Agatha, he was planning to travel with us on FBT. Now they are planning on how fix the problem that Miss Agatha sent their way.

Visiting my UBS jump drive

I want to know who Alex James is and why there are so many of his/her documents on my USB jump drive.  Also in that boat Marvin Williams and James Taylor.

I found a video of Collin Kendal from camp last summer. That was an incredible week. I miss those kids. It won’t be the same not being at camp. I think this will make the third summer is my life since being old enough to attend camp (2^nd grade) that I will have not spent time at camp. Maybe next summer I can take some vacation and go to camp. That would be all kinds of awesome.

Victory is Mine

I cleaned my plate today. At first you may be think “big deal”, but it is. When we eat bean, I do not get offered a spoon or fork. Instead I have the option of my fingers or “pan frances” and my fingers. I always opt for using the bread. I do not know your experiences in life but I imagine that you could understand that eating beans with your fingers would be a bit difficult.  The first time we had beans and eggs for dinner I got my own spoon, hoping this would start a trend. I was mistaken. The next time I attempted to eat sin cuchara. I had taken copious notes on how to eat beans and eggs without a dining utensil. It took me a million pieces of bread to get everything and my bowl still looked a mess. After the 30^th time eating beans and eggs, I got it down to 4.25 pieces of “pan frances” and my bowl looked as if it was licked clean. I must say that I am thoroughly excited to have accomplished this feat with my hands staying relatively clean. No beans under my thumb nail today.
 

Black beans and scrambled eggs is my favorite meal and por supuesto cafe y pan dulce. However, I really want a Red Robin Cheeseburger with BBQ sauce. So those of you that have a Red Robin within a 2 hour drive, go, for me, and eat a cheeseburger, French fries with campfire sauce and Red Robin French Fry Seasoning. You will only regret it when you want to go back next week for the same thing.

some thoughts from last week

Burning yourself with a straightener at 12 is embarrassing. Doing so at 24 is just downright mortifying. I didn’t. But I thought it was funny.

I love days when I get rice and noodles and tortillas as my meal with room temperature juice.

My white socks are the only part of my laundry still moist. And nobody in their right mind likes moist socks. But more importantly, I am paralyzed with fear every time I have to come down from the roof.

Post 100!

So this has been an interesting week. Last night I stayed awake way tooo late after having to be up at 5 am to catch the bus to the office. Next week we have Field Based Training so I will be away from the internet. I am really excited to see more of Guatemala and practice my spanish. I will be giving two or three presentations in spanish. I am bit nervous, but it should be good. I want to go read the Marlett´s blog so later.

i forgot

This morning I looked up to see Volcan Agua looking back at me when I realized that I had forgotten to appreciate the beauty in nature the last few days. It makes me sad to know that I am living in such an amazing country and I didn´t even remember. I guess that is what it means to give pearls to swine.

Today I thanked God for the beauty in His creation. It is breath-taking. The photos will never to it justice. You must travel to see it all.

struggles

I am starting to actually believe that I can do this job. A week ago I wasn´t so sure. I have decided to focus my energy on learning español. As I reflected on the job portion I realized that I can do it. I have done this before, mas o menos. Pero my biggest struggle is communicating. I am not always a perfectist, but I have my moments. I don´t want to mess up. But messing up is the fun part. Like today when I was trying to say "Poron" and said "porno". O saying "I have a man" instead of "I am hungry".

I put my watch on upside down. Awesome.

*for those who want to know, I still have not been "sick"*

Camionetas, Thanksgiving, and Health Class

It was extra fun today. We get on the bus in Santa Lucia Miltas Altas. The buses tend to have a lot people on them. We notice that it is a bit crowded but decided to get on anyway. So we climb in the back. NOTE: I wore a skirt today. Which isn't always a deal, because I am long. I was the last one to get on the bus. I pull myself up with one hand, and use my free hand to hold my skirt close as to not flash the two guys standing there helping people. Because I was more worry about what was going on behind me I didn't notice how low the top of the door was. So I hit my face on the back of the bus at the same time the guy "helping" gives me a push. Translation, hand on my rear. Then as I am actually my way INTO the bus, Zach, another trainee, stops at the first seat. The helper is also closing the door. I am still crouched a bit because I had no where to go. Noticing the door closing quickly behind me, I leap forward a bit, right on top of Zach. To recap, I was violated, hit my head, violated someone and almost lost my foot all in a matter of about two seconds. But I enjoy riding the camionetas. (However my knees/upper shins have permanent bruises from the seats.)


At dinner tonight, my host my asked if I like only like pollo since I don't eat pork and rarely eat red meat (here). I told her I also like turkey. In that process, Thanksgiving gave up in conversation. Inevidably, the question of "why thanksgiving?" was asked. I spent the next five minutes trying to explain the pilgrims, native americans, and the sitaution of the typical story. I tried to explain peole traveling to N.A from England. Why? Because the king started a new church and was mean to them. Oh. Then they had no food. The native people helped them. Thanksgiving! It was fun. I laughed to myself as my host mom (who is 25) looked at somewhat confused by and somewhat interested in the story. All with terribly elementary spanish. Imagine you 4 year old explain the history of Thanksgiving to you. That was me tonight at dinner.
Then of course the start of my wonderful day began when Jorge explained that we were going to mingle with other trainees, teachers, and other staff persons. You know, it doesn't sound so bad until you take into account three facts. 1) Half of the conversations were in spanish. 2) My spanish skills are bajo bajo. 3) My overwhelming fear of talking to new people in new situations about things I don't understand.

After these interactions, I was feeling a bit out of my element and a little drained. It was 10 AM. Meet and chat was followed by health class. Health class is always fun and entertaining. But today we had tiny group projects. They like to get us to do these to teach us how to teach. Which is cool and all. Fast forward about 15/20 minutes. It is my groups turn to present. I have the poster we made. I walk up there expecting others from the group to join.
No one.
(oh sh*. what the beans? i feel tears. oh no.) "I can't read upside down. (someone, please, get up here. if i talk i will burst out into tears.)
A few years later (really like a second) a couple trainees come up. At this point the paper is in front of my face. Dirk help hold the paper as I wipe the tears off my face. I don't know if anyone else saw me crying. Dirk may not have even really known. I am still unsure of who the other person was the came up to present.

When we were done, I left class for a few minutes to regain my composure. The last time I cried because I had talk in front of a group of people I was 16, drama class, monologue from Shakespeares "Much Ado About Nothing".
That is all the fun from today. Mas o menos.

I just learned the translation for "nevermind." No importa . . . that was fun to try to explain . . . should have just looked in the dictionary. whoops.

BTW: No spellcheck. It is in spanish. Lo siento.

Guate and other very important words

don't take the spelling to the bank. and don't correct me in a comment.

Guate-Guatemala City
bolo-drunk person
quetzals-the currency here
tigo-cellphone company
disculpe-excuse me
by-a -okay, mas o menos
creo que si-i think so
gringo-commonly used for anyone with blonde hair or blue/green eyes
cohetes-firecrackers
bombas-really loud firecrackers
muchas gracias/buen provecho-you may now leave the table after the meal
hablo espanol, un poco-i am a gringo and my spanish sucks
sacatepacas-the departmento in which i currently reside
porfav-por favor or please
repite porfav- you are going to have to say that again, because i have no clue the words that just come out of your mouth
la comida es muy rico, pero estoy llena-i don't want anymore!
Estoy consada-i want to be alone, but i am going to tell you that i am tired.
cantina-a place to get a beer
bar-a place to pick up a prostitute
agua pura-clean water, not chorro water
papas fritas-french fries
helado-ice cream

I always have great things to blog about until Shannon hands me the little modem. I made Sweet Potato pies with my family. They turned out alright. I didn't measure anything so I am shocked by that. I have been drinking too much Coca Light. I am attempting to make a little video for the youth group.

Tomorrow we are going to Guatemala City. I am oh so exciting. They have been telling us how dangerous Guate is, now they are taking to Guate. Yay! We are going to get mugged at gun point on an over crowded chicken bus while being pick-pocketed and groped.

I want frozen yogurt and enchiladas.
I don't want to take my malaria prophlaxics.
I want cold milk with my cereal.
I am tired of hearing about everyone's bowel movements.
There are a lot of dogs here.
The smells are interesting and not always a good interesting.
I am thankful for Shannon letting me use her internet modem.
I want a snow cone.
Someone eat a snow cone on my behalf. Like something with lime and salt. Yum.

It is not so bad.

9 May 2010

There is a new sense of accomplishment when you hand wash your own clothes for the first time. Today I had that experience. It was much easier than I thought it would be initially, though it is awkward having to hang my under garments on the roof for all to see. My favorite part was attempting to wash my jeans. I don’t think I conserved any water while rinsing them. Soap is does not want to come out of those suckers. The funniest part of the experience was attempting to wash a new purse I bought last week. It had stained my khakis so I thought a good washing would solve the problem. The purse is bright pink. The second I dumped water on it pink began to seep all over the pila. The more water I put on it, the more pink. I tried soap which only made it worse. The best part is that my hands turned hot pink!!


My host dad came over. He was like “that’s not good”. Then called my host mom to come over who said some things I don’t understand, ran to get some salt, and told me to soak it for at least thirty minutes. I could not help laughing when I noticed that no matter how much I washed my hands, they were staying pink. They didn’t find it as funny.

My purse is soaking. My undergarments are on the roof. My hands are pink. But I washed my own clothes.

See photos on facebook.
Last night I had my first Guatemala Fiesta. My host cousin turned 15. It was one heck of a party. We danced from 7:30ish until 11.

Week 1

So I have been in Guatemala for a week. It feels like a month. I have been overwhelmed with emotions and knowledge. There is 52 of us in the 2010 a 2012 group in PC Guatemala. I keeping thinking of things to type but I can´t remember.  Most of the time I just feel stupid. I am getting a lot of bug bites right now, so I am going to end this. Miss you.

Fear and Trembling

It is starting to feel real. Today I received the schedule for the first 3 days in Guatemala. Let's just say that I have a lot to do in the next 13 days, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Then I need to convince myself that I have the ability to do this.

20 days and 15 hours!!!

Skillet

Sometimes I pretend the bird is watching the fish. Then I also find myself watching the fish. If you don't know what I am "talking" about then you read this via email and may not have ever actually gone to http://www.nevanchay.blogspot.com, which is okay. But I think that you should. I have good music playing, cute backgrounds, and fish. I have fish, most because there is this "ABSOLUTELY NO PET" policy at my apt. I also have these really adorable buttons on my blog.

I don't know if will be "able" to handle another day of silence. I guess I don't have to since I have a doctor's apt in the morning, mostly for Peace Corps related stuff. I am still not really sure how I feel about antibiotics. There is a lot in that statement. And, no, I will not unpack it at this time. I don't really want to talk. (that part is a joke).

I like how "apt" can mean apartment and appointment. Now that I am thinking about it "appt" is for appointment. Either way, I mntn English is a living language thus I can abbreviate however I want. It will be nice when I am able to breathe again.

Facebook provoked laughter in me today, that typically happens when I take a quiz. That's it. I'm done with that thought.

I am super hungry, I think.