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Thursday, July 29

Estoy en la niebla. Estoy confundida.

I am having a hard tie explaining this haze that I am in. (Sorry for the preposition ending sentence.) I have no doubts that I made the right decision to leave the Peace Corps, as hard as it was to make. But I keep thinking I am going to wake up from a dream. That is the best way I know how to describe it. I wish that I knew how to explain what I am thinking/feeling. But, alas, I cannot. The best I can do, now, is pick up the pieces and reassemble the puzzle. I had worked so hard to get together the pieces I knew. There was a section I thought I understood. I saw what I wanted to see. So I barrowed pieces from another's puzzle and used them for mine. Now that I have removed the wrong pieces I need to find the correct ones and fix the damage done by forcing together the pieces that did not fit.
I could not, cannot see what the picture is turning out to be. Perhaps that is part of the reason I used the wrong pieces to fill in what I wanted to see. Now I remained curious as to how my mistake has effected those whom I love and who love me. Where do I fit in your puzzle?

I think that part of my haze is that I have a special "gift" to take on the problems of the world as my own personal problem. I can be easily guilted into giving away all my resources to make someone's life better without regard to my personal safety and security. I do not say this to boastful in anyway. I just have a skewed sense of what it is to be selfish/selfless.

The most prevelent problem I am facing is that I try (" . . .to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble. . ." Sorry, I randomly burst out into song.) to do this on my own. If there is one thing I learned in my time in Guatemala, it is that doing it would other people makes it easier. Basically, we are created for community. Community with people. Community with God.

I wish that I could stop feeling this way, this haze. But I cannot. It is the same part of me that make me good at what I am meant to do. Sometimes our strengths can be weaknesses.

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