Spiced Orange Iced Coffee

Try it. Seriously. If you like spicy (robust, flavourful, not capsaicin) and oranges, you will like this. (Also assuming that you enjoy a cup 'o joe as much as I.)

That was simply a bonus side note.

Recently I have decided that I want to be fit and healthy. The battle has been just that, a battle. I love cake. I love chocolate. By love I mean, greatly enjoy consuming. Basically, I like to eat. I like to experience new food and flavours. On this journey I started June 03, 2012, I have dropped to about 210 lbs. For the previous decade I weighed about 240 lbs. The heaviest was 253 lbs in 2006 according to my primary physician. In 2007, I lost some weigh using Weight Watchers for three months getting to 224 lbs. Over a couple years it crept back up to 240 lbs.

Losing weight for my body size and shape was rather discouraging in the first go around. I lost 20 lbs and worn the exact same size as when I started. My friend who was doing it with me also lost 20 lbs. She went from a size 11/12 to a 5/6. I hardly thought that was fair.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR. -dad

On June 03, 2012, I was indulging in a piece of cheesecake left over from a friend's birthday party. I was chatting with my dear friend, Lorena. She lost 50 lbs over about a year and half. She didn't start for any reason other than to support her hubby in his weight loss. As the pounds came off, she liked how she felt. At 46 years old she was in the best shape of her life. Talk about inspiration.

Not many women have been giant their whole lives, like me. Example. Sixth grade - I was wearing an adult 12 in pants. I was about 5'6" or so. I weighed nearly 180 lbs. I wore a size 11 shoe. See giant.

Today I am 211 lbs, wear a 12 or 14, and a size 13 shoe. I am 5'11".

My goal - to be able to the Tough Mudder event in North Carolina the first weekend in November.

So I bought a scale to keep better track of my weight loss progress. I spent way too much on it. After another conversation with my dear friend, Lorena, I was convicted. I am not being a good steward of my finances. I should have gone to Ross and bought a similar scale for half the cost. Why do we have people do this? We set ourselves up for failure.

I want to be healthy. I know that gluten is not good for my overall well being. Yet I regularly eat chocolate chip cookies. I would like to blame that on Chuck for becoming the Otis Spunkmeyer distributor in OK. But really it is a lack of discipline. We know there will be temptations. But we make it worse for ourselves. I knew scales at Ross would be cheaper than Target, yet where did I go to look for one?

I Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man ; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." I Corinthians 10:13

If you are tempted by indulging in delicious baked goods, you do go to Panera or La Bagette to use the WIFI. Come on, now. Don't give the devil a foothold in your recovery.

Defining Moments

Recently, I did something stupid. Stupid may not be the right word, childish might be a better description. The details of the situation are not important. Nor do I want to share my shame with anymore people than those who shared the experience with me. For those who were there, I am sorry. Despite the lingering embarrassment, I learned something. (A lot of somethings, in fact.)

In life, we all defining moments. Moments that change us. Moments that change the perspective in which we see the world. After my embarrassing situation, I became to reflect on my life, my "adolescence", my childhood. There was particular comment that was said during the embarrassing situation that prompted a memory from when I was 5 or 6 years old.

Kindergarten, Carruthers Elementary School, Murphysboro, IL, 1991(ish). Two moments that have shaken my security of being trusted.

Situation A - At our school we had this giant slide. It was at least 100 feet high, from my memory. Over one weekend some neighborhood kids waxed the slide to go faster. When Monday rolled around, the teachers forbade the kindergartners to do down the slide. It was simply too much for the little ones. It was not that big of deal, I was terrified to go up the stairs and the line was always long. So that day, Ebony, Chandra and I played else where. One thing we enjoyed was the little jungle gym near the slide. Chandra and I spent nearly all recess on it, chatting about the problems of the world. After recess we file back into the classroom, right on to reading carpet. The teacher tells us that some kindergartners went down the slide. I knew they were talking about Ebony. Her older sister had talked her into going down the slide. She was a 1st grader. The next thing I know Mrs. Teacher was asking the class, "Who saw Nevan go down the slide?" Everyone raised their hand, except Ebony. What?!? I did not. But the guilty always deny it. I said, "We played near the slide, but I didn't go down it." My objections availed me none. She didn't believe me. 

Situation B - All the students where called on to the reading carpet. We commonly went to the reading carpet before doing something as a group. I joined my fellow students. The teacher, then, posed this question, "Who colored on the floor?" Someone said, "I saw Tiffany and Nevan do it." Then I was asked if I did it. "No," I responded. I couldn't even tell you where it was or what color it was. Mrs. Teacher asked the class, "Who saw Nevan color on the floor?" The rest of the class raised their hands and labeled me as the child who colored on the floor. (The same was repeated with Tiffany.) So during recess, Tiffany and I got to clean up the crayon makings off the linoleum and carpet, despite my whimpering objects to being the responsible party. I still have no clue who colored on the floor that day. It may have been just Tiffany. I don't know. I was not believed.

I was not a perfect child. I lied to my dad once without being caught. The guilt haunts me to this day. Each of my brothers received a spanking (as did I) as a result of my lie. I did things I was not supposed to do. I am not a perfect adult. For example, the embarrassing situation.

Those moments in kindergarten when I was wrongfully accused has altered my trust in other to trust me. I regularly feel the need to defend my "innocence". I often have dreams of being wrongfully accused, having to take responsibility for others' actions. I am not sure at what point gave up trying to defend myself.

So this coupled with my erroneous view on what selfishness is, set the base for that embarrassing situation. From here, I take the lessons I learned and begin to change my thinking. I will choose to believe my friend who said to me, despite the embarrassing situation, "You are where you are at because I trust you. You don't have to prove anything to me. I trust you." (slightly paraphrased) 

When the Saints . . .

I have to share the burden that is upon my soul. Friday was difficult. I was at work way too late. I was annoyed with may trivial things. On Saturday, I slept until 12. Mildly thankful, I was embittered because I wanted to spend more time a wake with myself. I don't not get much time to do be. Saturday morning from the time I wake up until about 3:00pm is mine. If I schedule something for a Saturday, feel privileged. When it was all said and done, I had two hours. Two precious hours to sit, eat a cupcake, drink coffee, go shopping, and be. I chose to enjoy every moment of mine time. 

Then Saturday night came. Fail! The credit cards were messed up at the restaurant. We did 3x times as much from 5:30-10:00 as they did from 11:00-5:30. Please note those times. It was crazy. And I saved over $140 in labor for the evening. I got out an hour later that I usually do. Ridiculous. 

Then came Sunday. I love Sundays. I went to pick up a dear friend at the airport and go to hear stories and see pictures of the adventures from the past month. I was honored to hear about her dreams and goals for the next stage in her life. We decided to go to church at LifeChurch.TV. The sermon was dead on to what I needed. If you remember what I mentioned at the beginning of the post, Friday I was a jerk. Well, Sunday was the slap in the face that I needed to rid myself of the selfishness that was quickly settling into my heart. 

Monday morning I got a text that read, "Pray for Austin. He is in critical surgery at OU Medical." WHAT! Emergency surgery at OU is never a good thing. Long story, short - Austin lost his life that day after a series of bad choices, freak incidents, and 8 hours of surgery. I spend several hours with people who were affected by this tragedy and more time processing this for myself. How quickly life can change. 

Which is where is song comes into play. See, on my way to work I had listened to this song. As the song played, my heart began to pour out anguish. This song speaks straight from my heart. I have a blessed life. My life was good. (Please don't lecture me on comparisons.) The hurts in my life are so trivial compared to the things that millions of people have battled and still battle today. I have nothing to complain about. (Sure, I don't have butt fans in my car.) "Lord, I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know . . ." Every day I see and hear stories of heartache and tragedy. I don't know how people make it without Jesus as their center. 

I cannot begin to fathom the pain of losing a child, much less two. I cannot begin to fathom having a relationship end with regrets or open plans to spend time together. 

I implore you to search your heart. How does this change you and your life? Are you spending time whining about all "sewage" in your life? Our decisions, our actions have a greater effect that we can ever possibly know while on this temporal earth. My prayer for my life, is that I live to a life pleasing to the Lord, sharing the message of His love to "all who will hear" (Luke 6:27a). Even in the worst of time, I shall praise the Lord. "When sorrow like sea billows roll

I still want those new shoes and coffee. But my life is still blessed without 'em. Read this song, buy it on itunes, listen to it - It is pretty good. 

When The Saints

By Sara Groves

lord i have a heavy burden of all i've seen and know it's more than i can handle but your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones and i can’t let it go and when i'm weary and overwrought with so many battles left unfought i think of paul and silas in the prison yard i hear their song of freedom rising to the stars and when the Saints go marching in i want to be one of them lord it's all that i can't carry and cannot leave behind it all can overwhelm me but when i think of all who've gone before and lived a faithful life their courage compels me and when i'm weary and overwrought with so many battles left unfought i think of paul and silas in the prison yard i hear their song of freedom rising to the stars i see the shepherd moses in the pharaohs court i hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord chorus x2 i see the long quiet walk along the underground railroad i see the slave awakening to the value of her soul i see the young missionary and the angry spear i see his family returning with no trace of fear i see the long hard shadows of calcutta nights i see the sister standing by the dying man’s side i see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor i see the man with a passion come kicking down that door i see the man of sorrow and his long troubled road i see the world on his shoulders and my easy load

"Lunch Break"

I need to be honest with you, the web wide web (not that my blog is by any means popular) . . . I have been a terrible sport this week. Monday was amazing. I got to spend time with my adopted family and church family peeps. I decided at 9:30 Monday evening that I don't want to go to "work" this week. I wanted time to freeze time to sulk in the moment. The fireworks burst while I laid in the hammock with my friend's adorable 5 year old, I begged God to let it last. (The fireworks did seem longer that Independence Day.) But, alas, Tuesday morning came.

Do not get me wrong, I love my job. I love the children. It is incredible that I get to do this (and get paid to do it).

Time is going too fast. I want to just rest. I want to be able to chill in a hammock. I want to have hours of conversation with friends. So I began whining, in my own in head, "I have to do this and do that . . . and have energy to, of course, do that." I was not being very obedient to my Lord this week.

I have been half-heartedly trying to psyche myself in to being excited about the next two weeks. (For real, I have the opportunity to share with 100+ children the love of God and make incredible memories.) My volunteers the next two week "don't care" how tired I am or why I am tired. Because it is not about me! The beginning to one of the Bible Stories I will be sharing next week is, "I am so glad you are here today. I am so excited to share with about the amazing God I love and follow. I am want to share with you about God and all things He has done and about how much Jesus loves you." (Something like that.) I pretty much failed that one when I went to present my presentation for feedback this morning. She asked me, "Do you really want the kids to get it?"  

"Well, of course."

Basically, she replied, "Then prove it to me. Because what I am seeing now is not going to work." Later she said to me, "Today is going to be fun."

My mental response was, "Liar!" (all dramatic like) "Do you know what I have to do this day? And it is Friday! I did not finish my to do list . . . Are you trying to hypnotize me?" Verbal response, "What?"

"Today is going to be fun."

Dude. Valid. My attitude had made my week dreadful. In 2 Corinthians 10:3-7, it states:

³ For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. ⁴ For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, ⁵ casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, ⁶ and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.⁷ Do you look at things according to the outward appearance? If anyone is convinced in himself that he is Christ’s, let him again consider this in himself, that just as he is Christ’s, even so weare Christ’s.


Therefore this weekend I shall "die to myself (to my selfish desires)" and be transformed by the renewing of my mind. For this life is not mine, I chose to give it up. "To live is Christ and to die is gain." - Wish me luck. :)

It's Raining =)

Dear Reader,

For the past two days I have had some really great thoughts I wanted to share with you. Really, they were good. Due to the lack of internet access and the desire to sleep when I get home, I have failed you. I wanted to share about my Wednesday. For on Wednesday, I took my children to on Field Trip to an art museum and a natural history museum. The day was long. It started at 6:45 and ended around 10:30. It was hot and really cold. There was an incident with a charter bus getting stuck.  I am also pretty sure not even extra strength Febreeze is going to help my polo shirt be wearable tomorrow. (I forgot to get a second one today. Oops.) But on Wednesday I almost died. (I'm being dramatic. Just do NOT tell the student driver to turn left onto Classen BLVD from the Northwest Expressway.)

On Thursday evening, well, I was making flashcards and cutting laminated flashcards for many hours. Lucky for me I got to do with awesome people. I'm not just saying that because they might be reading my blog. For real - the best group with whom I have had the privilege to work.

I wish I could remember the analogy used in a team meeting this morning. It was really good. Oh well. I must finish this. There is only 25% power on the battery of this computer, tomorrow is a long day, and I need am getting sleepy.

-Nev

Poll - How can you tell if Nevan is stressing?

Education

Some one once said to me "Don't let schooling interfere with your education." Which was great advice while I was in school, but now I haven't this excuse. In the last two and half years since ending my 22 year career of being a "student" I feel as if I almost wasted the thousands of dollars spent on my degrees. Not that this deters me from wanting go back to a Master's degree. However, I reflect positively on my "life experience" opportunity before going back to school. Going straight from undergrad schooling to graduate level work without this break would have, in my opinion, been a severe waste of money. I cannot imagine living for 26-27 years with 25 years of school and have such limited opportunity to use it. What is the value in that? What is the point of gaining knowledge without allowing the skills and information to overflow from to you?

I dare to say that it would have been a selfish move to continue in schooling. I spent years learning God's Word and how to care for people, yet had I not stopped "learning" to do it, what would the point have been. Not that I even ceased to exist in a community while in school, but the realization and actualization of my "education" over the last two and half years has been incredible.

One day I shall return to the campus of a university and work toward earning a Masters degree, but what would the point be if did not take the time to understand the people I say I love and desire to serve. If I choose not to learn first hand how people behave and respond, I have wasted a lot of money and, more importantly, time.

Desde Mi Interior

Although I shouldn't be surprised when my friends extend grace, love, and kindness into my life. They are fantastic conduits of God, the hands of Jesus. But I am.

I am not sure if you have noticed, but I have been a little down lately, like 8 weeks or so.  And in those 8 weeks, I have been blessed deep in soul, more than words describe, by my precious friends. I have many ups and downs. I could imagine how annoying that would be. But my dear friends, have not shown the slightest bit of annoyance. Just love, hope, grace, patience, care, compassion, encouragement, guidance, gentleness, support.  In witnessing this alone, I am motivated to find rest in my spirit.  Even in the moments I want to leave the most, this keeps me here. My "routine", as of now may not be ideal, is filled with golden moments. The times at church when I see one of my girls at church. They get so excited to see me. *warm fuzzies* I know what this feeling is. I still get excited to see people. Every time I see my little Ava. Every time a friend takes time out of her schedule to give me ride, even though it is forever out of her way. The room I am living in. The washer in which my clothes are being washed. The person fixing my car. The clothes I own. The computer I am using. Affordable health insurance. The congregation in which I am a part. The free Diet Coke. Randomly large tips. My peoples.

So why in the midst of such great blessings would someone want to leave, disappear, runaway? I have some thoughts on this.
1. Not spending adequate time with the God in prayer, reading scripture and meditation.
2. Listening to lies.
3. Assuming my faults are as glaring to others as they are to me when I look in the mirror.
4. Feeling like a burden in lives of those around me.
5. Feeling like I lost value/purpose based on the decisions I made.
6. Not being able to see a way out. Feeling trapped.
7. Long existing patterns of behavior and thoughts are difficult to change especially in situations of high stress. (Good thing I never took up smoking, eh?)

Entonces, ¿Que haceré sobre este?

There is this old hymn I remember singing back in the day, "Count your blessings, Say them one by one, Count your blessing, See what the Lord has done." I remember a few things to do from Psychology, make your bed, clean your room, take a shower. (I do the latter of the three every day.)

The Living Beyond Yourself Bible Study by Beth Moore. Hopefully, I will be able to attend the group at church in addition to the doing the workbook. This study is about Galations 5:22-23. "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control against such things there no law."

*My friends may say I do not owe them anything for their kindness in my life. Regardless I feel compelled to give back and give forward the kindness shown to me. I think this is similiar to what James wrote about "Faith without works is dead," in correlation to what is written in Romans about God's grace, and further discussed in John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." It is not that grace requires pay back, but how can I not?*

This is where I am at. Grateful for the friends in my life that have supported me. Encouraged me. Loved me. Pushed me. Prayed for me and with me. Spoken life into me. Listened to me, and heard me.  Hugged me.

I will find a way to express my appreciation.

I am a harlot.

And I don't mean the nymphomania type, but a harlot none the less. I am unfaithful. There is little in this world that can cause me to fall into this like the issue of money to be only magnified by the fact that I rely on the generosity of strangers to provide the money on which I need to survive.

The other day as I began work I had a spirit of anxiety hovering in heart. Things were slow as the restaurant had been for the last week or so. I only made $38 in my two previous shifts combined. I was hoping to catch up for it was Friday evening. I don't have a car again so I was thirty minutes late to work. (Thirty minutes in this business can be an extra $20 dollars in your pocket.) The longer I as there the more anxious I became. I finally "got a table", two in fact. Then three. T1 leaves-11%ish. T2-0%. (Then we subtract tip share and I earned a whopping 3.5% of my total sales. Translate this into dollars/hour, I earned a grand total of $4.28 for the first hour I worked.) 

By this point I felt completely defeated. I am a good server. Not the best, by far. But I am good. There have been times when something happens and I completely understand why someone would want to leave me a little tip. But then there are those times when it just doesn't not make sense. Greeting was good, drinks were perfect, food came out quickly, extra napkins, straws, kindness, I said "thank you" and "your welcome", I gave change in a combination of 1s and 5s so that there was an adequate number of bills to leave me a 3% to 33% tip. At this rate there is no way I can afford to have an apartment.

As I began to lose hope in humanity, T3 returns to me the credit card receipt and said "I am sorry. I normally bring enough money to leave a decent tip in cash, but I don't have enough tonight. So I had to leave a tip on the credit card. I am sorry." I politely said "thank you very much. I hope you have a pleasant evening," while thinking to myself, 'great. another sucky *** tip'.  I walked back to the wait station before looking at the numbers just in case it brought me to tears. The whole time thinking, 'I can't do this. I am just not earning enough money. People are jerks." I know times are tough. They are tough for me too. I am not demanding your money. It is part of it.

"Tips" means, "to insure proper service". I can almost guarantee I earn 18%-20% regularly because I pretend that is what I am going to make at every table. I give them that kind of service preempting a positive response on the part of the person in which I am serving, taking into account the all the various wants of table. Some people want business only, almost as if we are not people, which is okay. Some want to chat for 20 minutes and tell their life story, like I am there one and only friend, which is okay.

When I opened the receipt, I saw an almost 40% tip glaring back. Then in what I might have sworn was an audible voice, "Nevan, I will take care of you. Are you not more precious than the sparrow?" Oh, snap. I am a harlot.

I don't talk to Him. I curse His Name. I do not bring glory, honor, or praiseworthy things but shame and filth as offerings. Yet, He is always faithful. Then we act accordingly, when we are obedient, we became the hands that help another. The hands are remind another that God is faithful and all-loving, that He has not forgotten about us.  Disobedience to Christ is reflected as selfishness. I challenge for myself is to faithfully give to other, resting in the knowledge that God will give to me and provide me with all that I need.

I wish that I could explain to you the predicament in which I have found myself. No creo que no puedo. No sé por que. No obstante, voy a probar.  I have been in the United States for 20 days and 1 hour. (Minus the time I spent in the Houston Airport. I am not counting it because it is an airport.) My mind is racing. It is constantly on go. This  constantness is making my teeth hurt. (Or that is the sinus pressure from the constant AC, either way.) What I am suppose to do with my life now?

Estoy en la niebla. Estoy confundida.

I am having a hard tie explaining this haze that I am in. (Sorry for the preposition ending sentence.) I have no doubts that I made the right decision to leave the Peace Corps, as hard as it was to make. But I keep thinking I am going to wake up from a dream. That is the best way I know how to describe it. I wish that I knew how to explain what I am thinking/feeling. But, alas, I cannot. The best I can do, now, is pick up the pieces and reassemble the puzzle. I had worked so hard to get together the pieces I knew. There was a section I thought I understood. I saw what I wanted to see. So I barrowed pieces from another's puzzle and used them for mine. Now that I have removed the wrong pieces I need to find the correct ones and fix the damage done by forcing together the pieces that did not fit.
I could not, cannot see what the picture is turning out to be. Perhaps that is part of the reason I used the wrong pieces to fill in what I wanted to see. Now I remained curious as to how my mistake has effected those whom I love and who love me. Where do I fit in your puzzle?

I think that part of my haze is that I have a special "gift" to take on the problems of the world as my own personal problem. I can be easily guilted into giving away all my resources to make someone's life better without regard to my personal safety and security. I do not say this to boastful in anyway. I just have a skewed sense of what it is to be selfish/selfless.

The most prevelent problem I am facing is that I try (" . . .to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble. . ." Sorry, I randomly burst out into song.) to do this on my own. If there is one thing I learned in my time in Guatemala, it is that doing it would other people makes it easier. Basically, we are created for community. Community with people. Community with God.

I wish that I could stop feeling this way, this haze. But I cannot. It is the same part of me that make me good at what I am meant to do. Sometimes our strengths can be weaknesses.