Spiced Orange Iced Coffee

Try it. Seriously. If you like spicy (robust, flavourful, not capsaicin) and oranges, you will like this. (Also assuming that you enjoy a cup 'o joe as much as I.)

That was simply a bonus side note.

Recently I have decided that I want to be fit and healthy. The battle has been just that, a battle. I love cake. I love chocolate. By love I mean, greatly enjoy consuming. Basically, I like to eat. I like to experience new food and flavours. On this journey I started June 03, 2012, I have dropped to about 210 lbs. For the previous decade I weighed about 240 lbs. The heaviest was 253 lbs in 2006 according to my primary physician. In 2007, I lost some weigh using Weight Watchers for three months getting to 224 lbs. Over a couple years it crept back up to 240 lbs.

Losing weight for my body size and shape was rather discouraging in the first go around. I lost 20 lbs and worn the exact same size as when I started. My friend who was doing it with me also lost 20 lbs. She went from a size 11/12 to a 5/6. I hardly thought that was fair.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR. -dad

On June 03, 2012, I was indulging in a piece of cheesecake left over from a friend's birthday party. I was chatting with my dear friend, Lorena. She lost 50 lbs over about a year and half. She didn't start for any reason other than to support her hubby in his weight loss. As the pounds came off, she liked how she felt. At 46 years old she was in the best shape of her life. Talk about inspiration.

Not many women have been giant their whole lives, like me. Example. Sixth grade - I was wearing an adult 12 in pants. I was about 5'6" or so. I weighed nearly 180 lbs. I wore a size 11 shoe. See giant.

Today I am 211 lbs, wear a 12 or 14, and a size 13 shoe. I am 5'11".

My goal - to be able to the Tough Mudder event in North Carolina the first weekend in November.

So I bought a scale to keep better track of my weight loss progress. I spent way too much on it. After another conversation with my dear friend, Lorena, I was convicted. I am not being a good steward of my finances. I should have gone to Ross and bought a similar scale for half the cost. Why do we have people do this? We set ourselves up for failure.

I want to be healthy. I know that gluten is not good for my overall well being. Yet I regularly eat chocolate chip cookies. I would like to blame that on Chuck for becoming the Otis Spunkmeyer distributor in OK. But really it is a lack of discipline. We know there will be temptations. But we make it worse for ourselves. I knew scales at Ross would be cheaper than Target, yet where did I go to look for one?

I Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man ; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." I Corinthians 10:13

If you are tempted by indulging in delicious baked goods, you do go to Panera or La Bagette to use the WIFI. Come on, now. Don't give the devil a foothold in your recovery.

"Lunch Break"

I need to be honest with you, the web wide web (not that my blog is by any means popular) . . . I have been a terrible sport this week. Monday was amazing. I got to spend time with my adopted family and church family peeps. I decided at 9:30 Monday evening that I don't want to go to "work" this week. I wanted time to freeze time to sulk in the moment. The fireworks burst while I laid in the hammock with my friend's adorable 5 year old, I begged God to let it last. (The fireworks did seem longer that Independence Day.) But, alas, Tuesday morning came.

Do not get me wrong, I love my job. I love the children. It is incredible that I get to do this (and get paid to do it).

Time is going too fast. I want to just rest. I want to be able to chill in a hammock. I want to have hours of conversation with friends. So I began whining, in my own in head, "I have to do this and do that . . . and have energy to, of course, do that." I was not being very obedient to my Lord this week.

I have been half-heartedly trying to psyche myself in to being excited about the next two weeks. (For real, I have the opportunity to share with 100+ children the love of God and make incredible memories.) My volunteers the next two week "don't care" how tired I am or why I am tired. Because it is not about me! The beginning to one of the Bible Stories I will be sharing next week is, "I am so glad you are here today. I am so excited to share with about the amazing God I love and follow. I am want to share with you about God and all things He has done and about how much Jesus loves you." (Something like that.) I pretty much failed that one when I went to present my presentation for feedback this morning. She asked me, "Do you really want the kids to get it?"  

"Well, of course."

Basically, she replied, "Then prove it to me. Because what I am seeing now is not going to work." Later she said to me, "Today is going to be fun."

My mental response was, "Liar!" (all dramatic like) "Do you know what I have to do this day? And it is Friday! I did not finish my to do list . . . Are you trying to hypnotize me?" Verbal response, "What?"

"Today is going to be fun."

Dude. Valid. My attitude had made my week dreadful. In 2 Corinthians 10:3-7, it states:

³ For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. ⁴ For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, ⁵ casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, ⁶ and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.⁷ Do you look at things according to the outward appearance? If anyone is convinced in himself that he is Christ’s, let him again consider this in himself, that just as he is Christ’s, even so weare Christ’s.


Therefore this weekend I shall "die to myself (to my selfish desires)" and be transformed by the renewing of my mind. For this life is not mine, I chose to give it up. "To live is Christ and to die is gain." - Wish me luck. :)

Desde Mi Interior

Although I shouldn't be surprised when my friends extend grace, love, and kindness into my life. They are fantastic conduits of God, the hands of Jesus. But I am.

I am not sure if you have noticed, but I have been a little down lately, like 8 weeks or so.  And in those 8 weeks, I have been blessed deep in soul, more than words describe, by my precious friends. I have many ups and downs. I could imagine how annoying that would be. But my dear friends, have not shown the slightest bit of annoyance. Just love, hope, grace, patience, care, compassion, encouragement, guidance, gentleness, support.  In witnessing this alone, I am motivated to find rest in my spirit.  Even in the moments I want to leave the most, this keeps me here. My "routine", as of now may not be ideal, is filled with golden moments. The times at church when I see one of my girls at church. They get so excited to see me. *warm fuzzies* I know what this feeling is. I still get excited to see people. Every time I see my little Ava. Every time a friend takes time out of her schedule to give me ride, even though it is forever out of her way. The room I am living in. The washer in which my clothes are being washed. The person fixing my car. The clothes I own. The computer I am using. Affordable health insurance. The congregation in which I am a part. The free Diet Coke. Randomly large tips. My peoples.

So why in the midst of such great blessings would someone want to leave, disappear, runaway? I have some thoughts on this.
1. Not spending adequate time with the God in prayer, reading scripture and meditation.
2. Listening to lies.
3. Assuming my faults are as glaring to others as they are to me when I look in the mirror.
4. Feeling like a burden in lives of those around me.
5. Feeling like I lost value/purpose based on the decisions I made.
6. Not being able to see a way out. Feeling trapped.
7. Long existing patterns of behavior and thoughts are difficult to change especially in situations of high stress. (Good thing I never took up smoking, eh?)

Entonces, ¿Que haceré sobre este?

There is this old hymn I remember singing back in the day, "Count your blessings, Say them one by one, Count your blessing, See what the Lord has done." I remember a few things to do from Psychology, make your bed, clean your room, take a shower. (I do the latter of the three every day.)

The Living Beyond Yourself Bible Study by Beth Moore. Hopefully, I will be able to attend the group at church in addition to the doing the workbook. This study is about Galations 5:22-23. "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control against such things there no law."

*My friends may say I do not owe them anything for their kindness in my life. Regardless I feel compelled to give back and give forward the kindness shown to me. I think this is similiar to what James wrote about "Faith without works is dead," in correlation to what is written in Romans about God's grace, and further discussed in John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." It is not that grace requires pay back, but how can I not?*

This is where I am at. Grateful for the friends in my life that have supported me. Encouraged me. Loved me. Pushed me. Prayed for me and with me. Spoken life into me. Listened to me, and heard me.  Hugged me.

I will find a way to express my appreciation.

Estoy en la niebla. Estoy confundida.

I am having a hard tie explaining this haze that I am in. (Sorry for the preposition ending sentence.) I have no doubts that I made the right decision to leave the Peace Corps, as hard as it was to make. But I keep thinking I am going to wake up from a dream. That is the best way I know how to describe it. I wish that I knew how to explain what I am thinking/feeling. But, alas, I cannot. The best I can do, now, is pick up the pieces and reassemble the puzzle. I had worked so hard to get together the pieces I knew. There was a section I thought I understood. I saw what I wanted to see. So I barrowed pieces from another's puzzle and used them for mine. Now that I have removed the wrong pieces I need to find the correct ones and fix the damage done by forcing together the pieces that did not fit.
I could not, cannot see what the picture is turning out to be. Perhaps that is part of the reason I used the wrong pieces to fill in what I wanted to see. Now I remained curious as to how my mistake has effected those whom I love and who love me. Where do I fit in your puzzle?

I think that part of my haze is that I have a special "gift" to take on the problems of the world as my own personal problem. I can be easily guilted into giving away all my resources to make someone's life better without regard to my personal safety and security. I do not say this to boastful in anyway. I just have a skewed sense of what it is to be selfish/selfless.

The most prevelent problem I am facing is that I try (" . . .to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble. . ." Sorry, I randomly burst out into song.) to do this on my own. If there is one thing I learned in my time in Guatemala, it is that doing it would other people makes it easier. Basically, we are created for community. Community with people. Community with God.

I wish that I could stop feeling this way, this haze. But I cannot. It is the same part of me that make me good at what I am meant to do. Sometimes our strengths can be weaknesses.

I spend over $50 on coffee in the last month! Not including coffee at home, coffee bought with cash, coffee bought with a gift certificate. Perhaps I should cut back a bit. Whoever thought it was a good idea that I live within 1/2 mile of Starbucks and work with in 1/4 mile of another cafe was wrong. Maybe I will just have coffee at home.

Let's be for real, it is not the same. Maybe I will just cut back to one latte a week.
I really want a 1/2 sweet vanilla soy latte.

I am trying to decide to enter the new Income-Based Repayment for my student loans. If I do, I think I my payments would be $0. I feel weird not paying anything at all. So far it has not been terrible terrible paying each month. Until this month anyway. I didn't have the money until after the due date. I hate that. It was one three days late. I think if do IB repayments I can still pay without worrying about having the money until after the due date. Living paycheck to paycheck is not fun. And I don't even have that many bills. I owe about $400 a month in loans. Currently I make about $1200ish a month. I am not asking for someone to fix this issue. But I am curious to know what you think about dept repayments. I don't really see anything negative about Income-Based Repayment. My only troubling thought is how would it effect me and the Peace Corps.

Speaking of that, I need to do some volunteering with hospice. Wish me luck.

I can never spell my password correctly.

Really, that has nothing to do with anything. It is just annoying.



I have decided to purchase a vehicle. I am going to be looking for a cheap used car, preferably with a standard transmission. My dream car is a Toyota Camry, standard transmission, 1988-1992 body style. Though I am not that picky at this point. I am still going to get a bicycle.



If you are interested in throwing your life into a whirlwind, I would like to suggest a book. "Cure for the Common Life" by Max Lucado. I am not typically a Lucado fan, but I am enjoying this book for the most part. I am in the process of figuring what I do well and the reward I get from it. I don't know myself as well as I thought I did.

Have you ever had those days when everything needed to get done at the same time and nothing could get done because something was preventing it from happening?