Tuesday, September 14

Desde Mi Interior

Although I shouldn't be surprised when my friends extend grace, love, and kindness into my life. They are fantastic conduits of God, the hands of Jesus. But I am.

I am not sure if you have noticed, but I have been a little down lately, like 8 weeks or so.  And in those 8 weeks, I have been blessed deep in soul, more than words describe, by my precious friends. I have many ups and downs. I could imagine how annoying that would be. But my dear friends, have not shown the slightest bit of annoyance. Just love, hope, grace, patience, care, compassion, encouragement, guidance, gentleness, support.  In witnessing this alone, I am motivated to find rest in my spirit.  Even in the moments I want to leave the most, this keeps me here. My "routine", as of now may not be ideal, is filled with golden moments. The times at church when I see one of my girls at church. They get so excited to see me. *warm fuzzies* I know what this feeling is. I still get excited to see people. Every time I see my little Ava. Every time a friend takes time out of her schedule to give me ride, even though it is forever out of her way. The room I am living in. The washer in which my clothes are being washed. The person fixing my car. The clothes I own. The computer I am using. Affordable health insurance. The congregation in which I am a part. The free Diet Coke. Randomly large tips. My peoples.

So why in the midst of such great blessings would someone want to leave, disappear, runaway? I have some thoughts on this.
1. Not spending adequate time with the God in prayer, reading scripture and meditation.
2. Listening to lies.
3. Assuming my faults are as glaring to others as they are to me when I look in the mirror.
4. Feeling like a burden in lives of those around me.
5. Feeling like I lost value/purpose based on the decisions I made.
6. Not being able to see a way out. Feeling trapped.
7. Long existing patterns of behavior and thoughts are difficult to change especially in situations of high stress. (Good thing I never took up smoking, eh?)

Entonces, ¿Que hacerĂ© sobre este?

There is this old hymn I remember singing back in the day, "Count your blessings, Say them one by one, Count your blessing, See what the Lord has done." I remember a few things to do from Psychology, make your bed, clean your room, take a shower. (I do the latter of the three every day.)

The Living Beyond Yourself Bible Study by Beth Moore. Hopefully, I will be able to attend the group at church in addition to the doing the workbook. This study is about Galations 5:22-23. "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control against such things there no law."

*My friends may say I do not owe them anything for their kindness in my life. Regardless I feel compelled to give back and give forward the kindness shown to me. I think this is similiar to what James wrote about "Faith without works is dead," in correlation to what is written in Romans about God's grace, and further discussed in John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." It is not that grace requires pay back, but how can I not?*

This is where I am at. Grateful for the friends in my life that have supported me. Encouraged me. Loved me. Pushed me. Prayed for me and with me. Spoken life into me. Listened to me, and heard me.  Hugged me.

I will find a way to express my appreciation.

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