Tuesday, October 30

Plight of the Aging

I recently turned 27 years old. 27! I sometimes still feel like I am 22. I hear this is common, to not feel older. Don't get me wrong, I don't honestly think 27 is by any means old. I did, however, think I would be in a very different place by the time I was 27. Not stuck in this wanderlust state, waiting for something to happen, discovering the depth of patience I am being asked to display. I often find myself wondering if I am a "failure to launch" story. When I was 22, I thought the Peace Corps of was the end all, be all of my purpose in life. I thought going would change my life, sending me on a journey that would take me places I had not even imagined. On one note, the Peace Corps did change me, even though I am not a RPCV. I have been back from Guatemala for over 27 months, and I am still waiting to understand all the reason I was not supposed to stay. The past two(ish) years have been exciting, tragic, wonderful, and heartbreaking. For a few moments, I thought I knew what I would be doing for the next five to ten years. Sadly and not so sadly, that collapsed or imploded or exploded. I don't even know. I know that I miss greatly some of the most beautiful children I have ever had the honor of serving. I know my heart hurts when I think about the relationships that ended. I think, though, this is partly do to my pride. I do not like the idea of people thinking I am rebellious. Yep, that's prideful. Even in my pain, I am sinful. Like how God reveals to us parts that need to be changed. Ouch. Anyway, bunny trail.

27. Yes. I am 27. In 6 months, I will officially round up to 30, no more down to 25. I guess it is not a big deal. 30 can't be the end of life. I have so much I want to do. Like rock climbing. And raising children. And being a pastor. And living in Spain. And traveling to every continent. And learning how to draw a circle. When I think about how much I want to do, I think "what have I done with my life". I am not trying to be pessimistic, just contemplative. I have experienced and seen a great number of things. I recognize that I am blessed beyond measure. I look forward to how God is going to bless my life and use me to make a difference. As I strive to move forward, opposition is in full force. And he knows exactly where to attack. **Bunny trail** In December I made a list of things I want to do in 2012. I have not accomplished all of them. One thing on the list was to lose 25 lbs. I wanted to weight 220, by the end of 2012. It is October 30 and I weight 205. That's 40 lbs!!!** Yet, I still struggle with feeling fat and unattractive.

Another interesting note on being 27 is the perspective of others. In the last 30 days, I have been guessed at being between the ages of 17 and 20. I would like to thank that on all the years I chose to not go to clubs and bars, all the drinking I didn't do, and all the cigarettes I did not smoke. (Not that I want to look like I am in high school.) I wonder, sometimes, if people think I am that kind of girl. Don't get me wrong, I like to dance. But I would rather do it in a room that I can breathe in. Know what I mean? I'll be honest, I have been a club here and there. One in Chi-town in 2006 and one in OKC in July. (This excludes the dance barn I went to in high school a few times.) Someone once told me, while sitting in the back of little red car crammed with 6 adults, that I need to be more honest, on the softer side. I think if people really saw my heart they would know . . . that thought just scared me. *change the subject*

This is the first blog I have written since my GrandDad died. I am not going to get an email from him with his thoughts this time. I miss him greatly.

BTW, I had the most incredible birthday celebrations this year. There was only one thing I would change. I would greatly enjoyed being able to spend time with more people in small groups, of course. Let's not get too carried away. Large groups still intimidate me. :)

1 comment:

  1. Your first 6 sentences have summed up my entire year. I love you Friend, and your birthday party was the best I've been to in a long while.